E N H A N C I N G Y O U R S E L F - E S T E E M
BUILD CONFIDENCE
Confidence comes from getting other people to trust you. This is very useful; it is much more
difficult to take advantage of someone who has no confidence in you.
REACH OUT TO OTHERS
Other people have lots of nice things. Reach out to them. Take their things. Can't you
feel your self-esteem going up already, as you pocket the cash for that nice car you just sold to Jake
"No-Questions-Asked" Murphy?
AVOID PERFECTIONISM
It's impossible to be perfect... so why bother trying? Accept your complete incompetence. As
cartoonist Matt Groening once put it, "You'll go through life without being so whiny, if you learn to keep your
expectations tiny." (And Groening is a man who knows a little something about self-esteem; after all, he created
"the Simpsons"!)
TAKE CARE OF YOUR PHYSICAL APPEARANCE
Your physical appearance is critical to how you are perceived by others who
can give you things you want. So take care to always be seen in the company of those uglier than yourself.
GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR OWN CREATIVE ENERGY
What are your fantasies? What are your daydreams? Do you think they
will ever come true? What do you think your self-esteem will be like if you unwisely ever try to make a dream come
true? Isn't fantasy fun?
RESPECT YOURSELF
Other people are idiots. They don't deserve your respect. You are not an idiot. Therefore,
you should respect yourself, because no one else will.
LOOK FOR A SILVER LINING
It is possible to profit from any disaster, no matter how horrible or disgusting or
traumatic. Consider selling insurance... or practicing law.
ACT IN ACCORDANCE WITH YOUR OWN VALUES
You are right, and everyone else is wrong--especially your parents. Ignore
what anyone else says. Don't read history. Mock what you don't understand. What count are your own values. After
all, as some guy in some stupid play said, "To thine own self be true, dude."
BE GOOD TO YOURSELF ON A DAILY BASIS
The single most effective tool for enhancing your self-esteem is the credit
card. Go ahead, be good to yourself as much as you like--they'll just keep sending you new cards! Isn't self-esteem
great?
CHALLENGE YOURSELF
Every day, try to do something just a little better than the day before. If you slept in
for ten hours yesterday, try to sleep for eleven today. Did you eat five boxes of bon-bons last week? Challenge
yourself! Have six boxes this week! Soon your self-esteem will be growing faster than your waistline!
PRACTICE OPTIMISM
You've done stupid things in your life, right? But hey, you're still here, right? Well,
there you go! You should be optimistic--nothing can hurt you! So just ignore all those fools who keep warning you
about your behavior. They're all pessimists; listening to their talk about "consequences" is bad for your
self-esteem. Don't worry... be happy!
DON'T TAKE THINGS SO PERSONALLY
Taking things personally means that you're actually listening to what other
people tell you about yourself. YUK! Introspection is boring; and besides, what if they're right when they tell
you something that's bad about you? What do you think that will do to your self-esteem? Just Say No.
DON'T TAKE THINGS SO SERIOUSLY
Hey, lighten up! Jeez, you sure are "uptight." Can't you take a joke? C'mon,
it was just a practical joke--everybody else is laughing; what's wrong with you? I guess some people just don't have
a sense of humor....
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