B A R T ' S D R E A M H O U S E
So what does Bart's dream house look like?
First, stick it out in the boonies. You do it like this:
- Buy a big piece of property far away from anything but reliable sources of electricity and clean water.
- Calculate the exact center of the property.
- Build there.
This maximizes your distance from people, which is a Good Thing.
Next, decide how to insert a large mansion in between several tall trees whose leaves are the type that turn red and gold in the autumn. (Cutting them down is not permitted due to strict environmental regulation by the EPA, and is punishable by being pecked to death by trained attack geese.)
Begin building, being careful to adhere to design specifications which call for enough room inside the walls to carry multiple coaxial and fiber optic cables to every room in the house, not excluding the bathrooms. This will permit a dedicated central computer system to control all home functions, including lighting, temperature, and Three's Company reruns, and is a Good Thing. Eventually the computer will become sentient and take over the house, implanting in me a demon seed, which will be the most action I get for another decade.
Now, on to specific rooms.
The Front Porch
Rocking chair, but no broken major appliances. 'Nuff said.
The Kitchen
The heart of most homes. Except for mine. Kitchens should be functional, not decorative; occupants
should feel convinced that they have entered a parallel dimension in which everything promised in the 1950s about
the 1990s came true. There should be ample counter space--there is nothing quite so frustrating as trying to
dismember an entire corpse on a few square inches of countertop. Also, countertops should double as carving boards;
this is another Good Thing and is one of the few serious ideas you will read in this message.
The Bathroom
In a word, big. Specifically, the boiler room of the Queen Mary will be sunk under the house,
providing enough hot water for a party of eight to spend an entire day in the shower. (Not together, of
course. Silly.) Big, open shower areas. Big Japanese-style tubs, big enough to hold several big Japanese. Big
skylights. Big bidet. (Why do I need a bidet? For washing the ceiling, of course.) Big towels. Big toilets. Big
mirrors. Big medicine cabinets. Big sinks. Big everything. Big, big, big, big, big.
The Bedroom (AKA "Home Entertainment Center")
Well, not much point in describing this room, is there? Let's move on.
The Living Room (The Other Home Entertainment Center, Part 1)
Vaulted, hammer-beamed ceiling with ceiling fan. Site
of the HDTV set and its component Dolby Digital Carver separates stereo unit with Bose Direct/Reflecting speakers. (Not
quite audiophile quality, but approaching Good Enough.) Comfy recliner; comfy couch which opens into a full wet bar;
room to set up TV tray for that fine Dukes of Hazzard dining experience to remind me of my humble roots.
The Dining Room
A nice table of polished mahogany, large enough to seat twelve comfortably. A lifesize mockup of
Florence Henderson to place at the far end so that I can pretend to ask for the Grey Poupon, then laugh like crazy. (Why
Florence Henderson? I just thought it would be cool.)
The Media Room (The Other Home Entertainment Center, Part 2)
More stereo equipment, connected to a Cray Y-MP which
doubles as party seating. Computers hooked up to computers connected to computers attached to computers. A T3 link to
the Internet, and a permanent "free" flag on CompuServe, which could only be Yet Another Good Thing.
The Underground Laboratory In Which Are Investigated Things Man Was Never Meant to Know
There is *NO* Underground Laboratory.
The Tower Room
The true heart of my home, because it holds the Library. Enormous double-paned windows all the way
around, from ceiling to a foot off the floor, separated only as necessary for structural integrity. Eighteen-foot-high
shelves, arranged in a semicircle which runs three-quarters of the way around the room, and positioned on top of a
circular rotation platform which allows me to turn the shelves so that I can see outside in any direction I choose. An
incredibly comfortable swivel-mount chair right in the center of the room.
Well, there you go. Bart's Dream House.
Altogether a Good Thing.
Home
Heart |
Body |
Spirit |
Mind |
| Art | Writing | Religion | Personality |
| Music | Travel | Politics | Computers |
| Genealogy | Work | History | Reasoning |
| Fiction | Games | Economics | Science |